It’s the lying, not the relapse, that hurts the most.
#1 by 4him at 12/6/2023, 8:29:54 PM
accountabilitypartnerpornographyPro tip from a partner of a porn addict: STOP LYING. I have learned to trust my gut, and I have learned through experience that it has never been wrong. Long story short, I had a feeling, he lied through his teeth. Gaslit me. I have a boundary, 24hrs after a relapse to tell me or I am out. I know that moments of weakness happen, I myself am a recovered porn and xanax addict. I know the struggles. What I cannot stand is a liar. How are we supposed to trust people who lie? I know the guilt, shame, and fear of hurting your loved on takes over, but what is more honorable is admitting fault, taking accountability and owning up. Not leaving your partner to struggle with their reality or questioning everything. It’s painful and tiresome. In the end, I threatened one final time, after he said “This sucks cuz I’m telling the truth and you won’t believe me.” Lying TO MY FACE. I gave him one final chance, he came clean, I almost ended the relationship, but I’m glad I didn’t. It’s been a good month but I just want to stress that please please please stop the lying. Like I genuinely wasn’t upset about him being weak but about him flat out lying to my face. So, just a small rant about honesty. Good luck to you all, I’m so very proud of each and every one of you. Dont give up!
This is why accountability software is such an important step forward. It's a commitment to be open and honest about the issue... even when we might otherwise try to hide a relapse or lie about it.
by Revamp 300d 22h 29m ago
This is also why it needs to be his idea. Sure, you can plant the seed. But he has to want it. Otherwise its not real commitment.
If he doesn't want it, then his heart isn't in the right place (yet). Changing ones heart is not trivial. Many find faith (ie Jesus Christ) to be the most effective at helping one to change their heart.
If he doesn't want it, then his heart isn't in the right place (yet). Changing ones heart is not trivial. Many find faith (ie Jesus Christ) to be the most effective at helping one to change their heart.
by strider 299d 14h 52m ago
I agree, it’s the lying that hurts the most because we want them to feel like they can come to us and talk about it. Lying is unnecessary and only ends up doing more damage. I won’t ever be upset about a setback but I will be upset about being lied to about it.
by ReginaPhalange6 302d 18h 53m ago
Thank you for sharing!
One suggestion--If the individual who needs help struggles to come clean about relapses, it may be worth having them keep a record of their relapses. But give you access to it. Perhaps this is stupid--maybe they should just find the courage to say it to your face. But many people struggling to summon the courage.
For example, Truple Stories allows you to record setbacks (aka relapses). He could record his relapses, but its on you to check when you feel you want to know how he's doing.
Just an idea.
One suggestion--If the individual who needs help struggles to come clean about relapses, it may be worth having them keep a record of their relapses. But give you access to it. Perhaps this is stupid--maybe they should just find the courage to say it to your face. But many people struggling to summon the courage.
For example, Truple Stories allows you to record setbacks (aka relapses). He could record his relapses, but its on you to check when you feel you want to know how he's doing.
Just an idea.
by strider 302d 19h 27m ago