Life is so much easier when you dont have to argue every day with your spouse. My husband has been doing so much better with temptation and being in control of his sobriety instead of letting the addiction take over. We rarely argue now. But some days it's like he's "jonesing" for a fight. He purposefully causes chaos. Like he's bored and needing stimulation. It's exhausting. It makes me want to give up and leave. Im praying that those days become less and less. Im just not sure why he does it. And he says he doesnt realize he's doing it. But he causes an argument then when I repeatedly tell him to drop it and I walk away to cool off. He follows me and starts the argument AGAIN. And I cannot deal with the backhanded apologies. Where he's "sorry" but its my fault he did it. He gets so mad when he's not in control. After I went to counseling for a year and a half and was told repeatedly im not the problem, I became stronger in my boundaries. That makes him so mad. It infuriates him that he doesnt get the same reactions he used to.
Any advice?
Life is so much easier
#9 by PurpleLily at 7/20/2025, 4:43:49 AM
accountabilitypartnerparentpornographyHonestly it sounds like your husband is the one who needs counseling. If he really doesn't realize he's doing that to you, there are deeper issues subconsciously that he needs to work out. Therapy is good for anyone. Even men need guidance through their deep feelings and trauma that they may not even realize they have. Good job on you for going to counseling.
This is entirely conjecture so bare with me... Porn allows men to be in control. It allows men to look at women doing the very thing that they want them to do. It allows men to have power over that woman and objectify her. He may not realize that, but it's definitely something that can happen subconsciously. If he is staying sober and acting that way with you, then he is subconsciously looking for other ways to stay in control and is bringing that out on you. What he really needs to do is give that control over to God. Easier said than done, but that is why he needs a counselor/therapist, to get to the deep roots of these feelings and problems and guide him through it.
Porn use is typically not the main problem, it is the byproduct, the way to medicate the negative feelings within ourselves and feel the control that we want to feel. There is something deeper that needs to be uprooted.
This is entirely conjecture so bare with me... Porn allows men to be in control. It allows men to look at women doing the very thing that they want them to do. It allows men to have power over that woman and objectify her. He may not realize that, but it's definitely something that can happen subconsciously. If he is staying sober and acting that way with you, then he is subconsciously looking for other ways to stay in control and is bringing that out on you. What he really needs to do is give that control over to God. Easier said than done, but that is why he needs a counselor/therapist, to get to the deep roots of these feelings and problems and guide him through it.
Porn use is typically not the main problem, it is the byproduct, the way to medicate the negative feelings within ourselves and feel the control that we want to feel. There is something deeper that needs to be uprooted.
by Flamingshark 27d 11h 32m ago