I'm having a hard time trusting.
#6 by PurpleLily at 3/15/2025, 10:36:50 PM
accountabilitypartnerparentpornographyI'm having such a hard time trusting him. After over 8 years of lies. I sometimes wonder if I'll ever be able to trust him again. And he's irritated that I dont trust him. Which just makes me so infuriated because how does he not see why it's "taking so long" for me to trust him. He has no empathy. Not just for me but for anyone. He cannot empathize with people. Even his own children. Which is hard for me to see. I'm so drained and even with improvements I'm battling with myself on leaving. Because I cannot trust that he's not lying. I can't seem to stop feeling that history is just going to continue to repeat itself over and over. I cannot stop feeling like the other foot is going to drop.
I think therapy would be helpful for you to work through this.
With that being said, one thing to consider as a partner of someone with an addiction, when it comes to trust there are four potential outcomes:
1. You trust and you're right to do so--he is trustworthy. Your relationship heals, he overcomes the problem, etc. Sunshine and rainbows.
2. You trust and you're wrong to do so--he's not trustworthy. Perhaps he grows more in the future, perhaps not. But by choosing to trust, even if he betrays that trust, you're keeping the door open for your relationship to grow and for him to grow beyond his addiction.
3. You don't trust and you're right to do so--he continues in bad behavior and you're right to not trust him. Your relationship will never grow because relationships are built on trust. Without trust, relationships are like a seed with no sun.
4. You don't trust and you're wrong to do so--he grows and changes and actually is trustworthy. He puts bad behavior behind him. But your relationship still dies because you chose not to trust him.
In my opinion, if you're going to continue to be in a relationship with him, choosing to trust is the only option you have. This means #1 or #2 are the possible outcomes.
Alternatively, if you cannot find it within yourself to trust him, then #3 and #4 are the outcomes, and your relationship is in the process of dying and will not recover until you decide to trust him. Of course, if he'd show you some evidence to suggest he is changing, and is growing, then choosing to trust is much easier.
To clarify, I'm not trying to suggest that the relationship ending is your fault if you can't trust him. It's just the reality of the situation.
Is he showing *any* signs of growth?
With that being said, one thing to consider as a partner of someone with an addiction, when it comes to trust there are four potential outcomes:
1. You trust and you're right to do so--he is trustworthy. Your relationship heals, he overcomes the problem, etc. Sunshine and rainbows.
2. You trust and you're wrong to do so--he's not trustworthy. Perhaps he grows more in the future, perhaps not. But by choosing to trust, even if he betrays that trust, you're keeping the door open for your relationship to grow and for him to grow beyond his addiction.
3. You don't trust and you're right to do so--he continues in bad behavior and you're right to not trust him. Your relationship will never grow because relationships are built on trust. Without trust, relationships are like a seed with no sun.
4. You don't trust and you're wrong to do so--he grows and changes and actually is trustworthy. He puts bad behavior behind him. But your relationship still dies because you chose not to trust him.
In my opinion, if you're going to continue to be in a relationship with him, choosing to trust is the only option you have. This means #1 or #2 are the possible outcomes.
Alternatively, if you cannot find it within yourself to trust him, then #3 and #4 are the outcomes, and your relationship is in the process of dying and will not recover until you decide to trust him. Of course, if he'd show you some evidence to suggest he is changing, and is growing, then choosing to trust is much easier.
To clarify, I'm not trying to suggest that the relationship ending is your fault if you can't trust him. It's just the reality of the situation.
Is he showing *any* signs of growth?
by strider 18d 10h 34m ago
Yes in many ways. However he's love bombed me repeatedly in the past and becomes this perfect man and then goes back. That's why I'm still having a hard time. He's also done many small lies. To me it feels as though he's trying to see what he can get away with and what he can't. But he says he didn't lie he just misspoke. And with all the previous years of lies and manipulation I don't know which to believe. He's an extremely smart person. He has a grad school degree. And only speaks 1 language. English. It's hard to believe he just "misspoke" every time i catch him in a lie.
However he's has improved a lot in many other aspects but because of the little lies and the previous love bombing im just trying to figure out what's going on
However he's has improved a lot in many other aspects but because of the little lies and the previous love bombing im just trying to figure out what's going on
by PurpleLily 18d 7h 55m ago