Spouse struggling to support the striver
#0 by PurpleLily at 7/2/2024, 5:01:38 AM
accountabilitypartnerparentpornographyMy husband has had a problem for 20 years now. He was exposed at 12yo and hooked right away. I didn't know this was a problem until 5½ years into our marriage. He hid it well. Eventually it started to leak out into other parts of our lives causing all kinds of turmoil. I found it in March of this year. He swore up and down he wasn't watching it or having anything to do with it. I found proof otherwise in mid June. I reached out to our church for help. As he says he wants help. We've been to a professional counselor many times for years with no changes. So the church was my last hope. They assigned us a preacher that is also in recovery. He started he believes porn to be the main problem and so many others are stemming from the porn addiction. Such as lying, manipulating, gas lighting, etc. Because he's had practice at doing those for decades in order to hide his addiction. It was refreshing to not have judgement but accountability. We were given an action plan. And we were given support. They reccomended Truple. We were hesitant at first to do the app for many reasons. But he's continuing to struggle. And we need more accountability on board. We also have kids one is about to get their first phone. I'm scared to death of them coming into contact with porn. I have to protect them from a life of this. And I have to help my husband take control of his addiction. I'm truly struggling with the fact it feels, to me, like I'm being "controlling" of my husband. Any advice or support from other spouses/ parents?
I would highly recommend he join a mens recovery group through Pure Desire Ministries. https://puredesire.org/join-a-group/
7 Pillars is the one to do. It has been life changing for me. Im with men that have been in recovery for many years and are a great example to follow after. Im with men who lost everything and motivate me to not do the same. Im taught i have to tell my wife within 24hr if i have a relapse and that gives me motivation to not relapse. Praying for you guys
7 Pillars is the one to do. It has been life changing for me. Im with men that have been in recovery for many years and are a great example to follow after. Im with men who lost everything and motivate me to not do the same. Im taught i have to tell my wife within 24hr if i have a relapse and that gives me motivation to not relapse. Praying for you guys
by Noahklop 83d 4h 28m ago
He has joined a local recovery group! So he can be there in person away from the distraction of kids and his wife. I will have him look into this group if he feels like he needs some more support. Thank you!
by PurpleLily 83d 3h 53m ago
A lot of spouses take a step back and allow someone else to be the accountability partner. It takes a burden and isn't always a great for the relationship, especially if there's still shame driven dishonesty taking place. It can be hard for a spouse to come clean to their partner when they know it's going to hurt them a lot. It's something to pray about and consider with your spouse and perhaps your preacher or anyone else you're seeking help from.
With regards to kids--it's vital to protect them. Delay getting a phone as long as possible. When you do, make it a phone that's limited significantly. Once they reach a certain age of maturity/responsibility, you'll need to prepare them for the "real world" of life using a full on smartphone. That's where I think Truple really shines. It gives you insight into your childs life so you can actually parent them online and course correct as needed.
Keep your head up! It's a long road a head, but the most difficult parts are getting on it. You will learn a lot from the experience, and from it you can become a better person if you choose to. It will likely challenge you--but that's often where growth comes from. Number one bit of advice for your husband--help him to never give up. Even after a relapse, the most important thing is that he "gets back in the saddle" and keeps going. What you'll find is over time there is improvement. It can feel a bit like watching grass grow sometimes, which can be super frustrating. But take solace in the fact that there is growth, and at some point it will be overcome.
With regards to kids--it's vital to protect them. Delay getting a phone as long as possible. When you do, make it a phone that's limited significantly. Once they reach a certain age of maturity/responsibility, you'll need to prepare them for the "real world" of life using a full on smartphone. That's where I think Truple really shines. It gives you insight into your childs life so you can actually parent them online and course correct as needed.
Keep your head up! It's a long road a head, but the most difficult parts are getting on it. You will learn a lot from the experience, and from it you can become a better person if you choose to. It will likely challenge you--but that's often where growth comes from. Number one bit of advice for your husband--help him to never give up. Even after a relapse, the most important thing is that he "gets back in the saddle" and keeps going. What you'll find is over time there is improvement. It can feel a bit like watching grass grow sometimes, which can be super frustrating. But take solace in the fact that there is growth, and at some point it will be overcome.
by strider 94d 13h 24m ago
Thank you, Strider!
by PurpleLily 94d 11h 1m ago