I'm so glad I finally started reading these posts. Mom supporting my son here. I will probably be asking a lot of questions because my husband and I are so at a lost and heartbroken with this whole thing. My son came across a pornograghic site when he was 10 - unbeknownst to us for about a year- we talked to him, prayed etc, strengthened the parental controls, got more vigilant and thought we had it beat. Well he just sneakier with it and now at 15 it really has a hold on him - to the point where he has started to try to meet someone on these porn sites to have sex. I don't know if he's been successful or not. The lying and manipulation is extremely high right now. Too much detail to post here - but we are going through extreme measures to try to stop/prevent him from this habit. We have my pastor involved, he is going to counseling with a counselor, starting the jouney course , Truple is on every device (which is how we found out he still was struggling- the combination of Truple and Qustodio have been crucial). We got Amazon Fire TVs because they have the best parental controls, etc.
I should also mention that other than this addiction - he is a wonderful child- he has a stellar reputation among adults, he has his own business, kind, respectful , super talented, straight A student - he is an only child and he is homeschooled (hasn't always been -long story- but this year has been lonely- working to correct that next year with a 2 hour program he'll go to daily next year if he gets in)
Sorry for the long post but I felt you needed some background.
Here's my question - he was blessed to get a girlfriend in another city - about 3 hours away. He met her while we were on vacation. They've been together for about 2 years. She is madly in love with him. He loves her 2- but I do beleive porn has stunted his emotions. They've been chaperoned while together - she is a good influence on him - she is a wonderful sweet innocent girl and I'm very fond of her. I've met with and connected to her parents too.
What should I do about this?? I'm putting myself in her parents shoes - if this was my 15 year old daughter, I would not want her involved with a boy who is struggling with porn and trying to solicit women to have sex with him in the park! My pastor, his counselor, and MIL all think I should just stay out of it and let him handle it. I've challenged him about it- I asked him - what are you going to do to protect her heart? You're being dishonest - and this whole thing is going to be devastating to her. The mom in me wants him to break up with her - to protect her and for him to focus on his recovery- but everyone says that's a bad idea to force him to do this. Any insight? How can I look her parents in the face or her for that matter??? Any insight or suggestions is greatly appreciated
15 year-old son's 15 year-old girlfriend - should he tell her?
#0 by MamaBear at 11/28/2024, 12:22:34 PM
parentpornographyOne resource I highly recommend for you and your son is Fight the New Drug. They have an excellent film called Brain Heart World that you can watch together. They also have some good resources about how to talk to your kids about porn. There's a few other resources but this is always my recommendation. They also sponsor an app called Fortify. Hope that helps!
by megaroeny 37d 3h 9m ago
Thank you!
by MamaBear 37d 26m ago
As the wife of a porn addict. Tell her. If I had known I would've chose to stay away. I've been in this relationship for 8 years. 2 years he manipulated me and was the sweetest guy. I had no idea because he made me think he was amazing. Once we got married and started living together he was awful. We've been married 6 years now. I just found out he was addicted in June. He's still lying, Gaslighting, Manipulating, etc etc. I deserved to have known this BEFORE making a decision to marry him. SHE DESERVES TO KNOW!
by PurpleLily 58d 15h 55m ago
This is tough. I'm honestly hesitant to give any thoughts as advice because it seems so tricky. I'm not an expert by any means, but here are my thoughts. Take it with a grain of salt.
* If you do anything regarding the girlfriend, I'd encourage him to be honest with her and let whatever comes out of that (whether she wants to break up or not) happen instead of simply pushing him to break up with her. Encourage healthy relationship behavior. You could try to tip her parents off without telling them everything just so they have a heads up. Perhaps even ask them what they think should be done. Now, if he doesn't care about her (the girlfriend) then he should break up with her. Thats not a healthy relationship if he doesn't really care about her.
* he won't improve until he wants to improve. You can build upon his desire to improve, but he has to first initate that desire. If he doesn't have the desire to improve yet, focus on that.
* porn traps young kids because almost all of the serious and worldly consequences are delayed. You don't realize the impact it has on you until you try to have a long term relationship without porn involved. You don't realize how much you lie to hide porn and that habit can lead to more lying about everything in life. You don't realize the numbing effect it has on you until you mature a bit and pay really close attention to your emotions. You don't realize you see all women as sex objects until you're knee deep with addiction. It doesn't help that we live in a hyper sexualized world which further encourages that.
* I'd consider letting him listen in on sex addict groups so he can learn how damning the behavior can be in this life. Maybe find an online one and just have him listen.
* He sounds like a high achiever. Sometimes they're more prone to anxiety/depression from what I've seen. Any depressiom/anxiety can contribute heavily to seeking sexual pleasure because its still new to him and breaks him out of the numbness of anxiety/depression even if its just for a moment. But then afterwards he'll just be more numb to everything outside of sexual pleasures because the dopamine releases don't compare. If you suspect he has any of these mental health issues, seek help for them but be cautious who you choose to trust.
Thats what comes to mind right now. I reserve the right to adjust my thoughts as I think on it more. Hopefully you can draw something good out of what I said.
* If you do anything regarding the girlfriend, I'd encourage him to be honest with her and let whatever comes out of that (whether she wants to break up or not) happen instead of simply pushing him to break up with her. Encourage healthy relationship behavior. You could try to tip her parents off without telling them everything just so they have a heads up. Perhaps even ask them what they think should be done. Now, if he doesn't care about her (the girlfriend) then he should break up with her. Thats not a healthy relationship if he doesn't really care about her.
* he won't improve until he wants to improve. You can build upon his desire to improve, but he has to first initate that desire. If he doesn't have the desire to improve yet, focus on that.
* porn traps young kids because almost all of the serious and worldly consequences are delayed. You don't realize the impact it has on you until you try to have a long term relationship without porn involved. You don't realize how much you lie to hide porn and that habit can lead to more lying about everything in life. You don't realize the numbing effect it has on you until you mature a bit and pay really close attention to your emotions. You don't realize you see all women as sex objects until you're knee deep with addiction. It doesn't help that we live in a hyper sexualized world which further encourages that.
* I'd consider letting him listen in on sex addict groups so he can learn how damning the behavior can be in this life. Maybe find an online one and just have him listen.
* He sounds like a high achiever. Sometimes they're more prone to anxiety/depression from what I've seen. Any depressiom/anxiety can contribute heavily to seeking sexual pleasure because its still new to him and breaks him out of the numbness of anxiety/depression even if its just for a moment. But then afterwards he'll just be more numb to everything outside of sexual pleasures because the dopamine releases don't compare. If you suspect he has any of these mental health issues, seek help for them but be cautious who you choose to trust.
Thats what comes to mind right now. I reserve the right to adjust my thoughts as I think on it more. Hopefully you can draw something good out of what I said.
by strider 74d 10h 26m ago
This is great insight -thank you!! we're moving through this cautiously and prayerfully - for now I'm encouraging him to come clean with her without making him- i know he's terrified to do so- scared of losing her- i do beleive he cares about her - and I beleive this healthy romantic connection is good for him- just thinking about her and her parents too. Will continue to pray and walk it out cautiously- we do have him in bi-weekly counseling and taking the 5 month journey course with his counselor as his ally. Right now - he's not 100% invested in his recovery because he's shut down about losing his business - I've assured him this is temporary and necessary so he can focus on his recovery- he's not convinced that is necessary- his identity is tied to his skills and his business
by MamaBear 74d 18m ago
Make sure he doesn't have excess idle time. Thats often a recipe for bad habits to continue. Healthy activities, lower stress ones, especially ones that'll get him outside in the sunlight are good in general for everyone in this day and age.
by strider 73d 19h 18m ago