Heavy TW!!!!!
Hello,
I don’t expect anyone to reply and honestly, I am not sure why I’m typing this anyway. I guess just looking for some advice or anything to help. I just stopped crying from finding evidence that my boyfriend relapsed once again. I don’t know what to do or where to go from here. We’re only 20 and 21 and this has been an issue the entire time we’ve been together. We met when we were 16 and 17 and I noticed he might’ve had a lust problem because of his social media following but he changed that when I asked him to. The first time I found out was less than a year into our relationship. He had a Reddit account with many pornography accounts saved and many bookmarks on Twitter (now X) with explicit material. He apologized and promised to change. A month later, I found deleted screenshots of porn videos from porn websites. The first few times it happened it crushed me. He kept promising to stop. Our relationship hit the one year mark and everything had been okay. My inability to forgive him completely hurt our relationship and I became very verbally abusive about his behavior. Honestly, there was abuse on both parts. We broke up for about 7 months because of our issues. Throughout this time I kept finding screenshots from pornography websites of videos that I guess he had been watching. We got back together and this leads me to where I am now. Back in November, I checked his phone and he had a lot of sexually suggestive content on his instagram watch history. This crushed me. I told him I was done but he convinced me to stay. We’ve been struggling a lot. I can’t sleep at all because my nightmares are so bad. He says he’s changing and that he understands but I always doubt him. He tells me that hurts him. A week ago I found out he had been keeping explicit photos of me I told him to please delete. He was hiding them from me. This morning, I checked his screen time and noticed he was on Safari for 20 minutes while I was asleep in his bed. I’m stuck. I don’t know what to do. I’m only 20, but I’ve been with this boy for 3 years. I don’t want to leave him, I love him. His addiction is destroying me. He says he knows it’s an addiction and that he’s trying to stop. Please if someone could respond, give advice, or just guide me. I don’t know if I’m making the dumb decision by staying. I don’t know if this is something he even wants to overcome. I’m hurting a lot and he knows it. I keep feeling like i’m just not enough for him, or like our sex life isn’t enough for him.
I became addicted when I was 13. I broke free when I was 22 but have had many relapses in my life. 40 now. This is a lifelong struggle unfortunately. It takes a heart change to take steps toward overcoming the addiction and from the sounds of it he doesn't have that (just based off the post). Im not telling you to leave him but it may not be a bad idea if he doesn't show signs of heart change and taking drastic steps to overcome.
by Noahklop 9d 21h 28m ago
I can see the pain that you have in your post. Let me start by saying none of this is your fault and none of this is anything to do with you it isn’t about what you haven’t done for him and it isn’t about what you have done for him -it is about his integrity.
He needs to get some serious help from a certified sex addiction Therapist.
If you can find an APSAT therapist for you (APSATS.org) that will help you a great deal.
In the meantime, there are two other resources that are free Google “WeTonglen”. It is a society of betrayed women who have partners that deal with sex porn and love addiction. There are a few hoops to jump through to get your membership started, but that is because they’ve vet everyone to make sure the community is safe.
They have free support groups for women nearly every day, and a wealth of information for betrayed partners
Another good resource is sexandrelationshiphealing.com and seekingintegrity.com both of them have a good bit of free resources and wonderful information.
You can also Google “The Sarah Society”. it is also for betrayed women for sex porn and love addiction. It is from a Faith based perspective.
All of these resources are absolutely amazing and cost very little other than finding a CSAT or APSAT therapist. Please know that none of this is your fault in anyway what you are dealing with is called betrayal trauma you can Google that too. Your pain is understandable your frustration is understandable. You need to focus on what you need not what he needs. I know how hard that is. I’ve been there too.
Take one step at a time and try not to do too much too fast, but know that you are not alone and these societies prove it and will show you what you need to do next.
He needs to get some serious help from a certified sex addiction Therapist.
If you can find an APSAT therapist for you (APSATS.org) that will help you a great deal.
In the meantime, there are two other resources that are free Google “WeTonglen”. It is a society of betrayed women who have partners that deal with sex porn and love addiction. There are a few hoops to jump through to get your membership started, but that is because they’ve vet everyone to make sure the community is safe.
They have free support groups for women nearly every day, and a wealth of information for betrayed partners
Another good resource is sexandrelationshiphealing.com and seekingintegrity.com both of them have a good bit of free resources and wonderful information.
You can also Google “The Sarah Society”. it is also for betrayed women for sex porn and love addiction. It is from a Faith based perspective.
All of these resources are absolutely amazing and cost very little other than finding a CSAT or APSAT therapist. Please know that none of this is your fault in anyway what you are dealing with is called betrayal trauma you can Google that too. Your pain is understandable your frustration is understandable. You need to focus on what you need not what he needs. I know how hard that is. I’ve been there too.
Take one step at a time and try not to do too much too fast, but know that you are not alone and these societies prove it and will show you what you need to do next.
by Lotus89 10d 6h 7m ago