While experiencing a really bad relapse I'm running through again what I've learned along the way. Of course your relationship will be entirely unique to you, but I hope accountability partners may find something here of help:
1/4
* Please express how serious this issue is to you. If you feel this has hurt the marriage or relationship make this clear.
* If you can, please confine upset and withdrawal of trust to the issue of pornography, but do *completely* withdraw trust on this issue, porn controls thoughts and actions, those with a weakness here cannot be trusted.
* If you believe that porn is cheating or that masturbation is wrong in your relationship make this clear.
* Take action: Installing accountability software is worth a thousand broken promises "to try" to sort things out!
* Stay unified and stand together against the problem. Porn is a nasty little gremlin that you have to chase out of your house!!
* A porn user has to want to quit. Asking to be held accountable is a good sign of effort.
* Choosing to be *held* accountable means voluntarily giving up the freedom to remove the monitoring software. This is tough. Be patient.
Ideas for partners and accountability partners
#1 by Revamp at 12/1/2023, 2:53:37 PM
striverpornographyHow's your progress coming?
by strider 268d 11h 40m ago
2/4
* Remove triggers: Ask the porn user to clear all downloaded porn, from all devices, onto a USB drive.
* It's easier to collect and store images in this way than to delete them immediately.
* When he's ready, offer to take charge of the USB drive.
* Check accountability software is installed on all devices and all new/upgraded devices.
* Remove temptation: Look for old phones/devices together and either recycle or install Truple on them
* Allocate some time every day to monitoring. Accountability only works if someone is watching.
* Avoid endlessly discussing or fighting about this issue as much as you can.
* Agree to make accountability a non-negotiable permanent change. You cannot go through all this again.
* Remove triggers: Ask the porn user to clear all downloaded porn, from all devices, onto a USB drive.
* It's easier to collect and store images in this way than to delete them immediately.
* When he's ready, offer to take charge of the USB drive.
* Check accountability software is installed on all devices and all new/upgraded devices.
* Remove temptation: Look for old phones/devices together and either recycle or install Truple on them
* Allocate some time every day to monitoring. Accountability only works if someone is watching.
* Avoid endlessly discussing or fighting about this issue as much as you can.
* Agree to make accountability a non-negotiable permanent change. You cannot go through all this again.
by Revamp 306d 21h 50m ago
3/4
* Ask him to install a porn filter on all his internet devices.
* Get him to make a list of search keywords and agree that matching images will never appear on screenshots
* Be thorough with keyword blocking, even down to favourite movie stars, sportswomen, clothing etc.
* Aim to break every association between screens and sex
* Set parental controls on streaming services. Ironically setting a low age rating shows maturity here
* Consider pointing a home security web camera at the tv
* The stronger the accountability the sooner he will accept and adjust to it. This is when healing occurs.
* Ask him to install a porn filter on all his internet devices.
* Get him to make a list of search keywords and agree that matching images will never appear on screenshots
* Be thorough with keyword blocking, even down to favourite movie stars, sportswomen, clothing etc.
* Aim to break every association between screens and sex
* Set parental controls on streaming services. Ironically setting a low age rating shows maturity here
* Consider pointing a home security web camera at the tv
* The stronger the accountability the sooner he will accept and adjust to it. This is when healing occurs.
by Revamp 305d 18h 48m ago
4/4
* Remain strong long-term: Never argue, just say "We agreed porn is a waste of time" and leave it at that.
* Frustration is a sign that he is facing up to the issue. It can be diverted into into health, sports and productivity.
* Support him as he comes off porn, be positive about the changes he as made.
* When you're both ready drive to the ocean and he can throw his old porn drive into the sea.
* Treat relapses as inevitable one-off failures but use them to tighten up accountability
* Accept no excuses. Verify his behaviour. Appreciate his efforts. Welcome forgiveness. End up stronger.
That's all I have for you. Best of luck to everyone.
* Remain strong long-term: Never argue, just say "We agreed porn is a waste of time" and leave it at that.
* Frustration is a sign that he is facing up to the issue. It can be diverted into into health, sports and productivity.
* Support him as he comes off porn, be positive about the changes he as made.
* When you're both ready drive to the ocean and he can throw his old porn drive into the sea.
* Treat relapses as inevitable one-off failures but use them to tighten up accountability
* Accept no excuses. Verify his behaviour. Appreciate his efforts. Welcome forgiveness. End up stronger.
That's all I have for you. Best of luck to everyone.
by Revamp 305d 18h 38m ago
* A porn user has to want to quit. Asking to be held accountable is a good sign of effort.
I cannot stress this enough. It needs to come from the person wanting help. A spouse can't solve a porn addiction issue for you. You have to put the work/effort in, including changing how you/your brain responds to stress/depression/anxiety/etc.
One other thing to point out is porn issues tend to start at a young age, long before they met their now current partner. The fact they view porn has everything to do with its addictive behavior and the length of time they've been viewing it (in general the longer theyve viewed it the more difficult to quit). It has little to nothing to do with the spouse/partner, outside from the relationship contributing to stress/anxiety/depression which can trigger a relapse.
Thank you for sharing!!!
I cannot stress this enough. It needs to come from the person wanting help. A spouse can't solve a porn addiction issue for you. You have to put the work/effort in, including changing how you/your brain responds to stress/depression/anxiety/etc.
One other thing to point out is porn issues tend to start at a young age, long before they met their now current partner. The fact they view porn has everything to do with its addictive behavior and the length of time they've been viewing it (in general the longer theyve viewed it the more difficult to quit). It has little to nothing to do with the spouse/partner, outside from the relationship contributing to stress/anxiety/depression which can trigger a relapse.
Thank you for sharing!!!
by strider 308d 16h 22m ago
>A spouse can't solve a porn addiction issue for you. You have
>to put the work/effort in, including changing how you/your brain
>responds to stress/depression/anxiety/etc.
Yes, absolutely.
>It has little to nothing to do with the spouse/partner,
Yeah I hope this helps partners feel a better about themselves. I think the problem is more about people abusing sex to get high. It's about people being tempted through the door marked "lust", finding themselves doing things that are against their values, and then finding it very hard to get back. More than anything they need a firm, friendly, helping hand.
>to put the work/effort in, including changing how you/your brain
>responds to stress/depression/anxiety/etc.
Yes, absolutely.
>It has little to nothing to do with the spouse/partner,
Yeah I hope this helps partners feel a better about themselves. I think the problem is more about people abusing sex to get high. It's about people being tempted through the door marked "lust", finding themselves doing things that are against their values, and then finding it very hard to get back. More than anything they need a firm, friendly, helping hand.
by Revamp 306d 21h 58m ago
Im sorry but I have to disagree with the hard-drive thing. It absolutely MUST be cold turkey and the betrayer must deal with the consequences of his actions. Frustration and discomfort are consequences. Keeping a hard drive full of porn somewhere because you dont want to delete it is like keeping a bottle of liquor somewhere with an alcoholic. You like the idea because your brain doesn’t want to let go of the addiction and will do anything to protect its source of dopamine. You have to cut the cord. Also, the betrayed partner must see a therapist trained to deal with betrayal trauma and the addicted partner needs to see a CSAT.
As a betrayed partner, i can tell you the trauma is cumulative. We can remember vividly each individual offense and discovery. “Weaning” off of porn, for the betrayed partner, would be like being beaten to a pulp with a metal bat only once a week instead of every day. I cannot stress enough how incredibly painful it is for the betrayed partner. I have never experienced pain this deep.
As a betrayed partner, i can tell you the trauma is cumulative. We can remember vividly each individual offense and discovery. “Weaning” off of porn, for the betrayed partner, would be like being beaten to a pulp with a metal bat only once a week instead of every day. I cannot stress enough how incredibly painful it is for the betrayed partner. I have never experienced pain this deep.
by prnkillslove 294d 4h 39m ago
>Keeping a hard drive full of porn somewhere because you dont want to delete it is
>like keeping a bottle of liquor somewhere with an alcoholic.
Yeah I absolutely understand what you're saying with this. I agree that there has to be an absolute stop at some point. It's just a question of how to get to that point. In this way I like Allen Carr's approach to quitting smoking: where you continue to smoke while making the choice to quit.
>“Weaning” off of porn, for the betrayed partner, would be like being beaten to a pulp
>with a metal bat only once a week instead of every day
It depends on the relationship and the expectations each person has on the other but if you consider porn to be cheating then I your feelings are understandable. An immediate halt would be required, but this is more difficult for the user and needs more support.
>like keeping a bottle of liquor somewhere with an alcoholic.
Yeah I absolutely understand what you're saying with this. I agree that there has to be an absolute stop at some point. It's just a question of how to get to that point. In this way I like Allen Carr's approach to quitting smoking: where you continue to smoke while making the choice to quit.
>“Weaning” off of porn, for the betrayed partner, would be like being beaten to a pulp
>with a metal bat only once a week instead of every day
It depends on the relationship and the expectations each person has on the other but if you consider porn to be cheating then I your feelings are understandable. An immediate halt would be required, but this is more difficult for the user and needs more support.
by Revamp 291d 21h 43m ago